Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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