Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So many bounce houses so little time
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
