and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
