plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
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