I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Congratulations! We have a period
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
