mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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