I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize