Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
