my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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