We got so high we made milksteak
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
