At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Of course I have a pirate flag
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend