Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.