omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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