To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
