sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
