The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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