the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
