i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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