Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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