i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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