I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
