How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
