Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
