the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
