im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
