i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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