Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
