I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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