people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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