I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
