I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
