i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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