dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
