sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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