Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
