The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
