i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
