We're facebook friends in real life
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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