Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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