she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
