i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
