if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
