I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
