Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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