So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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