waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
