Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
