The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
