im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
