Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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