I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
