I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
