What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
