You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
