she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
