sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
