you traded sex for a burrito?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
